Friday, March 8, 2013
There Were These Two Angels
at the gates of heaven. And they saw a group of people moving toward them, attempting to gain entry to the Kingdom. The first angel says, "Hey, aren't these the people who, while on earth, kept preaching 'alternative lifestyles' to everyone, trying to teach all that there is no right or wrong, but only individual freedom?" The second angel replied, "Yes, that's the group." The first angel said, "Well, we need to turn them straight around and send them off to hell, don't we?" The second angel said, "Why are you so intolerant? After all, they all think they led a wonderful and peaceful life. What we need to do is allow them to continue in their former way of thinking and living." Somewhat confused, the first angel asked, "What are you talking about?" The second angel got a smile on his face, and he said, "We need to send them to their own 'heaven' - it'll just be a place with an alternatively hot climate......."
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sometimes, the truth hurts...
A good friend once said to me, "It's really hard to market fasting, prostrations, tithing, ...."
Found at http://pinterest.com/pin/41587996530178570/
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Is Your Priest REALLY Orthodox?
Found this on a blog from another priest (a Father James Early) a long time ago. Maybe you'll enjoy it as much as I did.
The mere fact that a man has been ordained to the Holy Priesthood by an Orthodox bishop in good standing does not necessarily mean that such a priest is Very Orthodox. Nor does a priest’s personal piety, adherence to Orthodox dogma, excellence as a liturgist, or love for his flock necessarily place him the ranks of the “Very Orthodox.” If the priest is a convert, it matters little what personal sacrifice he has made to become an Orthodox priest.
Instead, we all know that the most important thing in determining the “Orthodoxness” of a priest is his personal appearance, particularly the way he dresses and grooms himself. For as the Scripture says, “Man looks at the heart, but the LORD looks at the outward appearance” (1 Sam. 16:7, New International Twisted Version - NITV).
In light of this, it is important that each priest be evaluated on his Orthodoxness, so that those who are Very Orthodox can be commended, while those who are Not Very Orthodox can be encouraged to become more so (and perhaps also chided for being closet Roman Catholics or Protestants). So, please take a moment to answer the following questions, and then refer to the scoring guide to determine the Orthodoxness of your priest.
1. Headgear. My priest wears the following on his head:
A. Nothing ever.
B. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, but nothing otherwise.
C. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, and a skufi (or equivalent) at other times when on the church grounds.
D. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, and a skufi (or equivalent) at all other times.
2. Hair. My priest’s hair is as follows:
A. Short and shaved tight on the back and sides in a semi-military style.
B. Short, but not shaved.
C. Collar or shoulder-length, but with no pony tail.
D. Collar or shoulder-length, with a pony tail.
E. Longer than shoulder-length, with a pony tail.
3. Beard. My priest’s facial hair configuration is as follows:
A. Mustache only or (gasp!) clean-shaven
B. Closely-trimmed goatee
C. Long goatee or closely-trimmed full beard
D. Longer full beard, but trimmed
E. Very long beard, untrimmed
4. Outerwear. When not conducting services at my parish, my priest wears the following outer garment(s):
A. A Roman collar with a suit.
B. A Roman collar with a cassock, but only while on the church grounds or off-grounds performing a sacramental act.
C. A Roman collar with a cassock, at all times
D. A Roman collar with a cassock and exorasson at all times.
E. A cassock and exorasson at all times, but with no Roman collar
(Note: If B, C, or D applies, but without a Roman collar, give your priest one extra point)
5. Shoes: I normally see the following on my priest’s feet:
A. Black dress shoes like one would see in a corporate office.
B. Plain black shoes, but nicely polished.
C. Plain black shoes, but scuffed up and covered with wax, oil, etc.
D. Open- or closed- toed Birkenstocks (or similar sandals), with socks
E. Open-toed sandals without socks.
Scoring Guide: For each “A”, award your priest 0 points. Each B equals 1 point, each C equals 2 points, each D equals 4, and each E is worth 5 points. In addition, award your priest one bonus point if he bathes only once a week or less often. Now refer to the following rubric to see just how Orthodox your priest is.
21-25 Points: Uber-Orthodox. Your priest is a paragon of Orthodoxy, a shining example for the clergy, and well on his way to sainthood. He will probably end up on an iconostasis somewhere in 200 years or so.
16-20 Points: Very Orthodox. While your priest will probably not find his way onto an iconostasis, he is nonetheless a paragon of proper Orthodoxness. He is worthy of commendation and honor.
11-15 Points: Solidly Orthodox. Your priest is quite Orthodox, but has much room to improve. But at least he is not likely to be mistaken for a Roman Catholic or Anglican priest, which would be tragic.
6-10 Points: Barely Orthodox. Your priest runs the risk of being mistaken in public for a Roman Catholic or an Anglican priest. He needs to study photographs of eighteenth and nineteenth century Russian priests (or monastics of any period since the middle ages) and adjust his appearance accordingly.
0-5 Points: Is He Even Orthodox? Your priest may well be a Roman Catholic or (more likely) an Evangelical at heart. Clearly, his highly westernized dress and grooming is motivated by shame for Orthodoxy and a desire to fit in to society. He should be ashamed of himself.
The mere fact that a man has been ordained to the Holy Priesthood by an Orthodox bishop in good standing does not necessarily mean that such a priest is Very Orthodox. Nor does a priest’s personal piety, adherence to Orthodox dogma, excellence as a liturgist, or love for his flock necessarily place him the ranks of the “Very Orthodox.” If the priest is a convert, it matters little what personal sacrifice he has made to become an Orthodox priest.
Instead, we all know that the most important thing in determining the “Orthodoxness” of a priest is his personal appearance, particularly the way he dresses and grooms himself. For as the Scripture says, “Man looks at the heart, but the LORD looks at the outward appearance” (1 Sam. 16:7, New International Twisted Version - NITV).
In light of this, it is important that each priest be evaluated on his Orthodoxness, so that those who are Very Orthodox can be commended, while those who are Not Very Orthodox can be encouraged to become more so (and perhaps also chided for being closet Roman Catholics or Protestants). So, please take a moment to answer the following questions, and then refer to the scoring guide to determine the Orthodoxness of your priest.
1. Headgear. My priest wears the following on his head:
A. Nothing ever.
B. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, but nothing otherwise.
C. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, and a skufi (or equivalent) at other times when on the church grounds.
D. A liturgical hat at the appropriate times in services, and a skufi (or equivalent) at all other times.
2. Hair. My priest’s hair is as follows:
A. Short and shaved tight on the back and sides in a semi-military style.
B. Short, but not shaved.
C. Collar or shoulder-length, but with no pony tail.
D. Collar or shoulder-length, with a pony tail.
E. Longer than shoulder-length, with a pony tail.
3. Beard. My priest’s facial hair configuration is as follows:
A. Mustache only or (gasp!) clean-shaven
B. Closely-trimmed goatee
C. Long goatee or closely-trimmed full beard
D. Longer full beard, but trimmed
E. Very long beard, untrimmed
4. Outerwear. When not conducting services at my parish, my priest wears the following outer garment(s):
A. A Roman collar with a suit.
B. A Roman collar with a cassock, but only while on the church grounds or off-grounds performing a sacramental act.
C. A Roman collar with a cassock, at all times
D. A Roman collar with a cassock and exorasson at all times.
E. A cassock and exorasson at all times, but with no Roman collar
(Note: If B, C, or D applies, but without a Roman collar, give your priest one extra point)
5. Shoes: I normally see the following on my priest’s feet:
A. Black dress shoes like one would see in a corporate office.
B. Plain black shoes, but nicely polished.
C. Plain black shoes, but scuffed up and covered with wax, oil, etc.
D. Open- or closed- toed Birkenstocks (or similar sandals), with socks
E. Open-toed sandals without socks.
Scoring Guide: For each “A”, award your priest 0 points. Each B equals 1 point, each C equals 2 points, each D equals 4, and each E is worth 5 points. In addition, award your priest one bonus point if he bathes only once a week or less often. Now refer to the following rubric to see just how Orthodox your priest is.
21-25 Points: Uber-Orthodox. Your priest is a paragon of Orthodoxy, a shining example for the clergy, and well on his way to sainthood. He will probably end up on an iconostasis somewhere in 200 years or so.
16-20 Points: Very Orthodox. While your priest will probably not find his way onto an iconostasis, he is nonetheless a paragon of proper Orthodoxness. He is worthy of commendation and honor.
11-15 Points: Solidly Orthodox. Your priest is quite Orthodox, but has much room to improve. But at least he is not likely to be mistaken for a Roman Catholic or Anglican priest, which would be tragic.
6-10 Points: Barely Orthodox. Your priest runs the risk of being mistaken in public for a Roman Catholic or an Anglican priest. He needs to study photographs of eighteenth and nineteenth century Russian priests (or monastics of any period since the middle ages) and adjust his appearance accordingly.
0-5 Points: Is He Even Orthodox? Your priest may well be a Roman Catholic or (more likely) an Evangelical at heart. Clearly, his highly westernized dress and grooming is motivated by shame for Orthodoxy and a desire to fit in to society. He should be ashamed of himself.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Clergy Meeting
In a small town there was an Orthodox Church and three variations on Protestant churches. The four pastors are walking the street of the town one day, having a discussion, and as usual the topic comes to theology in which the three attempt to corner the Orthodox priest. After bravely offering a wonderful apologetic for the Orthodox position, the other three ministers are still not impressed. And so the Priest stops, kneels on the pavement, prostrates to the earth, and prays, "Lord, give us an indication that the Orthodox teaching is correct." At this, suddenly the sky turns dark. Clouds gather in an instant, and the air is filled with the rumblings of thunder. The ministers look at the priest and say, "Sudden storms come up all the time around here." And so the priest prostrates himself yet again, and prays, "Lord, we beseech You, show us Your divine will through the Orthodox teaching." The words had barely cleared the priest's lips when a lightning bolt struck a nearby tree, and it fell to the ground. Almost as with one voice, the three ministers said, "Lightning is a really common thing, especially when a storm is brewing." Again, and with increased fervor and a tremor in his voice, the priest bows and prays, "Lord, teach us Your will." When he had finished, the clouds overhead cleared, a bright light came shining through them, and a voice was heard from above saying, "Your explanation is right!" The three ministers looked at one another, and it was obvious what they had just witnessed. There was absolutely no denying that they had witnessed perhaps the greatest miracle they had ever seen. And so, they turned to the Orthodox priest, and looked at him, and said,
"It's still three against two!"
"It's still three against two!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Prayerful Promises
Milorad was driving into town one day, late for a very important meeting, and could not find a parking place. Getting desperate, he prayed, "Lord, help me find a place to park, and I will go to Liturgy every Sunday, and I'll give up drinking my slivovitz." Just then, he saw a car vacate a space just in front of him. At this, he ended his prayer, "Never mind, Lord. I found one!"
Monday, September 24, 2012
On a Desert Island
An Orthodox man was stranded on a south Pacific Island after a shipwreck. He was the sole survivor of the event, and spent many months alone on the island, which fortunately was well stocked. There were trees so that the man could make a hut. There was fruit in the trees, and he found it easy to fashion a spear from which he 'fished' for food in the lagoon.
After several months on the island, a passing ship saw him on the shore, and they stopped, not recognizing this would be a rescue. When they came on shore, the man invited them into his hut, and showed them all that he had accomplished while stranded there. He said to them, "Would you like to see my church?" Astonished, they went with him and found a small, humble building complete with a stick-fashioned cupola and cross. The rescuers were clearly impressed.
As they made their way back to the shore, to complete the rescue, they found themselves passing another church building - quite similar to the first, and very Orthodox looking. They inquired of the man, "What is THIS building?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's the Church I REFUSE to go to!"
After several months on the island, a passing ship saw him on the shore, and they stopped, not recognizing this would be a rescue. When they came on shore, the man invited them into his hut, and showed them all that he had accomplished while stranded there. He said to them, "Would you like to see my church?" Astonished, they went with him and found a small, humble building complete with a stick-fashioned cupola and cross. The rescuers were clearly impressed.
As they made their way back to the shore, to complete the rescue, they found themselves passing another church building - quite similar to the first, and very Orthodox looking. They inquired of the man, "What is THIS building?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's the Church I REFUSE to go to!"
Monday, September 17, 2012
Are You "Geek" Orthodox?
Ways to tell if you are "Geek" Orthodox. If you're wondering, I've pretty much nailed the whole list..... Fr. B
1) If you've thought about (seriously) the prospect of "Face time" as an alternate way to have a private confession, you might be a Geek Orthodox.
2) If you maintain your parish's web site, and surf to find those better to implement their ideas, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
3) If you've sought spiritual counsel from a priest via e-mail, you're definitely Geek Orthodox.
4) If you regularly text with your priest, you're both Geek Orthodox.
5) If your priest is #6 in your speed dial list, right after your family and the local lunch stand, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
6) If you've ever served an Akathist by downloading the text from the web (because there weren't enough books to go around), you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
7) If you've noted the major Feasts and Fasts in your cell phone's scheduler, you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
8) If you finish Morning Prayers every day by launching the on-line application from your iPad that shows saints of the day so that you assure that you commemorate them all, you're hopelessly Geek Orthodox.
9) If you've searched the web for the formula to calculate the date of Pascha, you're likely Geek Orthodox.
10) If you've then taken that formula and written it into an Excel Spreadsheet so that you can enter any year, future or past, to find Pascha, you're beyond hope a Geek Orthodox.
1) If you've thought about (seriously) the prospect of "Face time" as an alternate way to have a private confession, you might be a Geek Orthodox.
2) If you maintain your parish's web site, and surf to find those better to implement their ideas, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
3) If you've sought spiritual counsel from a priest via e-mail, you're definitely Geek Orthodox.
4) If you regularly text with your priest, you're both Geek Orthodox.
5) If your priest is #6 in your speed dial list, right after your family and the local lunch stand, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
6) If you've ever served an Akathist by downloading the text from the web (because there weren't enough books to go around), you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
7) If you've noted the major Feasts and Fasts in your cell phone's scheduler, you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
8) If you finish Morning Prayers every day by launching the on-line application from your iPad that shows saints of the day so that you assure that you commemorate them all, you're hopelessly Geek Orthodox.
9) If you've searched the web for the formula to calculate the date of Pascha, you're likely Geek Orthodox.
10) If you've then taken that formula and written it into an Excel Spreadsheet so that you can enter any year, future or past, to find Pascha, you're beyond hope a Geek Orthodox.
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