The Clergy Meeting

In a small town there was an Orthodox Church and three variations on Protestant churches.  The four pastors are walking the street of the town one day, having a discussion, and as usual the topic comes to theology in which the three attempt to corner the Orthodox priest.  After bravely offering a wonderful apologetic for the Orthodox position, the other three ministers are still not impressed.  And so the Priest stops, kneels on the pavement, prostrates to the earth, and prays, "Lord, give us an indication that the Orthodox teaching is correct."  At this, suddenly the sky turns dark.  Clouds gather in an instant, and the air is filled with the rumblings of thunder.  The ministers look at the priest and say, "Sudden storms come up all the time around here."  And so the priest prostrates himself yet again, and prays, "Lord, we beseech You, show us Your divine will through the Orthodox teaching."  The words had barely cleared the priest's lips when a lightning bolt struck a nearby tree, and it fell to the ground.  Almost as with one voice, the three ministers said, "Lightning is a really common thing, especially when a storm is brewing."  Again, and with increased fervor and a tremor in his voice, the priest bows and prays, "Lord, teach us Your will."  When he had finished, the clouds overhead cleared, a bright light came shining through them, and a voice was heard from above saying, "Your explanation is right!"  The three ministers looked at one another, and it was obvious what they had just witnessed.  There was absolutely no denying that they had witnessed perhaps the greatest miracle they had ever seen.  And so, they turned to the Orthodox priest, and looked at him, and said,

"It's still three against two!"

Prayerful Promises

Milorad was driving into town one day, late for a very important meeting, and could not find a parking place.  Getting desperate, he prayed, "Lord, help me find a place to park, and I will go to Liturgy every Sunday, and I'll give up drinking my slivovitz."  Just then, he saw a car vacate a space just in front of him.  At this, he ended his prayer, "Never mind, Lord.  I found one!"

On a Desert Island

An Orthodox man was stranded on a south Pacific Island after a shipwreck.  He was the sole survivor of the event, and spent many months alone on the island, which fortunately was well stocked.  There were trees so that the man could make a hut.  There was fruit in the trees, and he found it easy to fashion a spear from which he 'fished' for food in the lagoon.

After several months on the island, a passing ship saw him on the shore, and they stopped, not recognizing this would be a rescue.  When they came on shore, the man invited them into his hut, and showed them all that he had accomplished while stranded there.  He said to them, "Would you like to see my church?"  Astonished, they went with him and found a small, humble building complete with a stick-fashioned cupola and cross.  The rescuers were clearly impressed.

As they made their way back to the shore, to complete the rescue, they found themselves passing another church building - quite similar to the first, and very Orthodox looking.  They inquired of the man, "What is THIS building?"

The man replied, "Oh, that's the Church I REFUSE to go to!"

Are You "Geek" Orthodox?

Ways to tell if you are "Geek" Orthodox.  If you're wondering, I've pretty much nailed the whole list.....  Fr. B

1)  If you've thought about (seriously) the prospect of "Face time" as an alternate way to have a private confession, you might be a Geek Orthodox.
2)  If you maintain your parish's web site, and surf to find those better to implement their ideas, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
3)  If you've sought spiritual counsel from a priest via e-mail, you're definitely Geek Orthodox.
4)  If you regularly text with your priest, you're both Geek Orthodox.
5)  If your priest is #6 in your speed dial list, right after your family and the local lunch stand, you're probably Geek Orthodox.
6)  If you've ever served an Akathist by downloading the text from the web (because there weren't enough books to go around), you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
7)  If you've noted the major Feasts and Fasts in your cell phone's scheduler, you're absolutely Geek Orthodox.
8)  If you finish Morning Prayers every day by launching the on-line application from your iPad that shows saints of the day so that you assure that you commemorate them all, you're hopelessly Geek Orthodox.
9)  If you've searched the web for the formula to calculate the date of Pascha, you're likely Geek Orthodox.
10) If you've then taken that formula and written it into an Excel Spreadsheet so that you can enter any year, future or past, to find Pascha, you're beyond hope a Geek Orthodox.

Tradition

In the village of Omsk, all was not well in the local Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes’, half of the congregation would bow at the waist, and half would make a full prostration. Those who bowed would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No! From the waist!’ To which the great prostrators would hiss back even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would break out and the service could not be completed.

Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask their priest, Fr Vasili. ‘Batiushka, what is the tradition? In Lent, at “Blessed art Thou”, do we make a little or a great prostration?’ Knowing the rancour attached to the dispute, poor Fr Vasili trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell backwards.

So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and asked Fr Pachomi: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we have a terrible argument at Omsk–what is the tradition? Because half the people say to make small prostrations at “Blessed art Thou”, and half say great prostrations. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible. So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Pachomi simply fainted dead away.

Then someone shouted, ‘Let’s go to Elder Ioseff and ask him!’ It was a marvellous idea. Surely the elder’s answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all, a native of Omsk, and his 94 years guaranteed a knowledge of what the old tradition had been.

So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s hermitage on the outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered the hermitage, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea, they cut him off: ‘Elder Ioseff, you have to help us! What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at “Blessed art Thou, O Lord”, half of the people at Pokrov make little prostrations, and half the people great prostrations, and we start to argue, and the service doesn’t even finish because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioseff said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with tears streaming down his joyful face, ‘This…IS… the Tradition!’