Friday, May 17, 2019

Vengeance Is Mine....

A woman was wrestling with her purse to pull out her donation as the basket carrier came by, when all of a sudden a large TV remote control fell from her purse, rather loudly to the floor.  The basket tender picked it up and whispered, "Do you always carry a TV remote to church?"  The woman replied, "No, but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and this was the best punishement I could think of at the time that was legal....."

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

For Those Who Can't Seem to Understand Why We Preach Against Such Things....

Today's Horoscope:  "You are easily influenced by what you read.  You have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."

Friday, October 25, 2013

Wait for it....

A man is traveling through the most remote parts of a desolate area somewhere in what seems to be the most 'lost' part of the world.  As he walks, he begins to hear a low murmuring, behind a rock formation.  Curious, he walks toward the area.  Peering around the corner of the rocks, he sees what appears to be a makeshift altar, with a large stone cut perfectly into the shape of an "O" upon it.  People in white robes are gathered, softly chanting, "Nil.... Nil.... Nil..."  Others are saying things addressed to "the Great Nullity" and "the Blessed Emptiness."

Eventually the man walks up to one of the white clothed observers, and turning to him he asks:

[wait for it....]


"Is nothing sacred?"

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

You Must Become Like Children

All from kids 9 and under.

First, "Letters to God."  Some funny, but some wisdom as well.

1) Dear God:  Is it true that my father won't go to heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
2) Dear God:  What does it mean, 'I am a jealous God'? I thought You had everythings?
3) Dear God:  Did You really mean, 'Do unto others'? Cuz if You did, I'm really gonna fix my brother.
4) Dear God:  Thank you for the baby brother.  But what I really prayed for was a puppy.
5) Dear God:  Please send me a pony.  I've never asked for anything before.  You can look it up.
6) Dear God:  Maybe Cain and Abel wouldn't kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.  It worked for me and my brother.
7) Dear God:  I want to be just like my daddy when I grow up, but not with so much hair all over.
8) Dear God:  You don't have to worry about me.  I always look both ways.
9) Dear God:  I bet it's hard for You to love everybody in the whole world.  There are only four in our family, and I can never do it.
10) Dear God: In school they taught us that Thomas Edison made light.  In church, they taught us You did.  I'll be he stoled your idea.
11) Dear God:  I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday.  That was really cool!
12) Dear God:  I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
13) Dear God:  My grandpa says You were around when he was a little boy.  How far back do You go?

Then, stories about kids:

A)  A mother saw a thunderstorm coming up in a late afternoon, and being worried about her 7 year old daughter who had to walk 3 blocks to come home from school, mom went out to meet her.  As she found the little girl amidst countless lightning flashes, totally unconcerned and smiling, the child ran to her mother exclaiming happily, "Mommy - God's been taking my picture all the way home!"

B)  Q:  How do you decide who to marry?  A:  Nobody really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and then later you find out who you're stuck with.

C) Q:  What is the right age to get married?  A:  23 - because you know the person FOREVER by then.

D) Q:  How can you tell if two people are married?  A:  Sometimes you just have to guess, like watching to see if they holler at the same kids.

E) Q:  What do your mom and dad have in common?  A:  They don't want any more kids.

F) Q:  What would you do on a date?  A:  Dates are for having fun, and you should get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

G) Q: If you see two adults at a restaurant, how can you tell if they're in love?  A:  If they stare at one another and their food gets cold, they're in love.

H) Q: What is the role of beauty and handsomeness in love?  A: It isn't always about looks.  Look at me, I'm handsome as anything, and I'm not married yet.

I) Q: Why do people in love hold hands?  A:  Because they don't want those rings to fall off.  They paid good money for them.

J) Q: What do people need to know when they're in love?  A:  Someone has to know how to write a check, because there will be LOTS of bills!

K) Q: When should you say, 'I love you'?  A:  You shouldn't say I love you unless you really mean it.  But if you DO mean it, you should say it a LOT, because people forget.

L)  A mother was making pancakes for her two sons, Kevin who was 5, and Ryan who was 3.  As the cakes cooked, the boys fought over who would get the first one.  Mom saw an opportunity to teach a moral lesson, and so she said, "If Jesus was here, He'd say, 'Let My brother eat first.  I can wait.'" To this, Kevin looked at his brother and said, "Ryan - YOU be Jesus!"

M) A little guy saw a neighbor who had just lost his wife crying.  The boy left his mother, and climbed up onto the lap of the man, and just sat there.  Later, the mother asked her son, "What did you say to him?"  The boy replied, "Nothing, mommy.  I just sat there and helped him cry."

Friday, March 8, 2013

There Were These Two Angels

at the gates of heaven.  And they saw a group of people moving toward them, attempting to gain entry to the Kingdom. The first angel says, "Hey, aren't these the people who, while on earth, kept preaching 'alternative lifestyles' to everyone, trying to teach all that there is no right or wrong, but only individual freedom?"  The second angel replied, "Yes, that's the group."  The first angel said, "Well, we need to turn them straight around and send them off to hell, don't we?"  The second angel said, "Why are you so intolerant?  After all, they all think they led a wonderful and peaceful life.  What we need to do is allow them to continue in their former way of thinking and living."  Somewhat confused, the first angel asked, "What are you talking about?" The second angel got a smile on his face, and he said, "We need to send them to their own 'heaven' - it'll just be a place with an alternatively hot climate......."